Nudges
Do you ever have those nudges from Heaven that tell you that you need to improve in a certain area? I get them all the time. Recently, I feel like I have gotten a lot. Start writing. You need to write so that you can become more articulate. Have more faith. Trust Me. Study The Living Christ. Be more joyful. Have more faith. Trust Me. Increase in charity. Pray for missionary experiences. Have more faith. Trust Me. There's more, too. A lot more. A lot of faith and trust.
I was asked to teach the Laurels (young women ages 16-18) on Sunday. The lesson that I felt I was supposed to teach was "How can I learn to be more patient?" Ok. Cool, I thought. I'm not the most patient person I've ever met, but it's not one of my major weaknesses, either. Or so I thought. This "nudge" felt a bit like a punch in the gut. Figuratively, of course. As I prepared the lesson, I realized that I am a patience-failure. I felt a bit of chastening from Heaven. I felt sad and ashamed. I felt grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that allows me to repent. I felt humbled. I felt grateful for the Enabling Power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, so that I can be strengthened in overcoming this.
Look at what the lesson says:
"Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without being angry, frustrated, or anxious. We can develop patience by seeking to do God’s will and accept His timing, trusting that He will fulfill all of His promises to us. As we learn to be patient in small things, we prepare ourselves to face larger trials with patience."
The past year has been hard. Every year seems to get harder. But this year has been almost more than I could bear. My husband lost his job. I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. My mom... I find it unbearable to type the words: My mom passed away. Since her funeral three months ago, I have attended three other funerals. My daughter's primary teacher in our old ward. My brother in law's grandmother. Our home teacher and friend.
Somehow, I thought I was being patient through my trials. But, I have been frustrated, discouraged, and anxious. I find myself demanding that the Lord heal me or find my husband a job that pays well. Who am I to demand anything from the Lord? I am so ashamed.
I have been reading a book called Even This! The author of the book talked about Joseph of Egypt. His brothers took him and threw him in a pit. He likely hoped and prayed for deliverance. He was sold into slavery. He likely prayed for deliverance. He was thrown into prison. He likely prayed for deliverance. But, what if God had answered those prayers when they were prayed? What if God had delivered Joseph from the pit? Who would have saved Egypt? Who would have saved all of the House of Israel? Not Joseph. He wouldn't have been where the Lord needed him. The Lord may have said, "Yes. I will deliver you. But not yet. I have a bigger miracle planned." And indeed He did.
I am beginning to understand. They are two sides of the same coin: faith and trust on one side, patience on the other. Joseph didn't demand that the Lord deliver him NOW. He understood through his faith and trust that if he patiently waited, the Lord would eventually deliver him. His dreams had told him that he had a great work to do. He knew that the Lord would work in his behalf, in His own time. And He did.
So, what about me? What does that look like for me? I suppose it looks like me letting go of anxiety and trusting that He will take care of us financially, and patiently waiting for whatever He has in store for us. It looks like me, letting go of frustration that my body and my mind don't work the way I want them to. I can wait patiently for God to work a miracle, or not. Either way, I can trust Him to do what is very best for me and my family. I can patiently wait for understanding that will likely not come in this life, trusting that He had a good reason for taking my mom so soon. I can be patient as I go through the grieving process over and over and over, trusting that through my faith in the Atonement of Christ, this heartache will be softened.
Who knows? Maybe the Lord is preparing me for my own miracle, bigger than what I can see from where I am, in my pit. I will wait here patiently. Don't get me wrong. I'll try to climb out. I will do everything I can. And I will still pray. But I won't demand. And I will trust that the Lord hears my prayers and that when He is ready, He will either pull me out or help me pull myself out. And then, I will say, "I knew You would come!"
I was asked to teach the Laurels (young women ages 16-18) on Sunday. The lesson that I felt I was supposed to teach was "How can I learn to be more patient?" Ok. Cool, I thought. I'm not the most patient person I've ever met, but it's not one of my major weaknesses, either. Or so I thought. This "nudge" felt a bit like a punch in the gut. Figuratively, of course. As I prepared the lesson, I realized that I am a patience-failure. I felt a bit of chastening from Heaven. I felt sad and ashamed. I felt grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that allows me to repent. I felt humbled. I felt grateful for the Enabling Power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, so that I can be strengthened in overcoming this.
Look at what the lesson says:
"Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without being angry, frustrated, or anxious. We can develop patience by seeking to do God’s will and accept His timing, trusting that He will fulfill all of His promises to us. As we learn to be patient in small things, we prepare ourselves to face larger trials with patience."
The past year has been hard. Every year seems to get harder. But this year has been almost more than I could bear. My husband lost his job. I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. My mom... I find it unbearable to type the words: My mom passed away. Since her funeral three months ago, I have attended three other funerals. My daughter's primary teacher in our old ward. My brother in law's grandmother. Our home teacher and friend.
Somehow, I thought I was being patient through my trials. But, I have been frustrated, discouraged, and anxious. I find myself demanding that the Lord heal me or find my husband a job that pays well. Who am I to demand anything from the Lord? I am so ashamed.
I have been reading a book called Even This! The author of the book talked about Joseph of Egypt. His brothers took him and threw him in a pit. He likely hoped and prayed for deliverance. He was sold into slavery. He likely prayed for deliverance. He was thrown into prison. He likely prayed for deliverance. But, what if God had answered those prayers when they were prayed? What if God had delivered Joseph from the pit? Who would have saved Egypt? Who would have saved all of the House of Israel? Not Joseph. He wouldn't have been where the Lord needed him. The Lord may have said, "Yes. I will deliver you. But not yet. I have a bigger miracle planned." And indeed He did.
I am beginning to understand. They are two sides of the same coin: faith and trust on one side, patience on the other. Joseph didn't demand that the Lord deliver him NOW. He understood through his faith and trust that if he patiently waited, the Lord would eventually deliver him. His dreams had told him that he had a great work to do. He knew that the Lord would work in his behalf, in His own time. And He did.
So, what about me? What does that look like for me? I suppose it looks like me letting go of anxiety and trusting that He will take care of us financially, and patiently waiting for whatever He has in store for us. It looks like me, letting go of frustration that my body and my mind don't work the way I want them to. I can wait patiently for God to work a miracle, or not. Either way, I can trust Him to do what is very best for me and my family. I can patiently wait for understanding that will likely not come in this life, trusting that He had a good reason for taking my mom so soon. I can be patient as I go through the grieving process over and over and over, trusting that through my faith in the Atonement of Christ, this heartache will be softened.
Who knows? Maybe the Lord is preparing me for my own miracle, bigger than what I can see from where I am, in my pit. I will wait here patiently. Don't get me wrong. I'll try to climb out. I will do everything I can. And I will still pray. But I won't demand. And I will trust that the Lord hears my prayers and that when He is ready, He will either pull me out or help me pull myself out. And then, I will say, "I knew You would come!"
<3 this, and you SO MUCH!!
ReplyDeleteMy goodness, Jessica. So articulate, so well-spoken, so heart-felt. Beautiful.
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