One Year

Today marks on year since my mom passed away. It has been the hardest year of my life. Grief is so much harder and deeper than I ever expected. It has affected my heart, as one would expect. But it has taken a terrible toll on my already weakened-by-Lyme body. It has crippled me emotionally and, often, physically. I just keep thinking I didn't know. I didn't anticipate this. I am not naive. But I didn't expect this. I hear it gets a bit easier after the first year. I hope so.

This morning, during my prayer time, I had the thought that I should think about the ways I have grown over the past year. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I have failed at this grieving thing. Add grief over my health, financial grief, and several other really hard things, and I admit to giving in to the grief and despair way more than once. I feel like I am not learning and growing much. I am crying much, though. Odd that I would feel prompted to think about the ways I've grown when I really feel like I've mostly shrunk. I feel like I'm failing at faith. I feel like I'm failing at trusting in the Lord. I feel like I'm failing at patience, charity, hope, optimism, and parenting.

You know what? I am. I am failing at every single one of those things. Every. Single. One. And more. So, here's the way I have grown this year: Jesus.

I need a Savior. I need Someone to save me from my sins. But I also need Someone to save me from my weaknesses. I need Someone to save me from my failings. I need Someone to save me from my grief. Jesus is my Someone. He overcame death. He atoned for my sins. He strengthens me in my weaknesses. I believed in Him before. I really did. But not like I do now. I believe in Him. I believe Him. I love Him. I know Him better. I need Him and am more aware of just how much. He is my way back to my Heavenly Parents and my way back to my mom. He is the glue that holds me together when I am pretty sure I'm crumbling. I love Him and I want the whole world to know it.